Sunday, May 30, 2010

Grief is not friendly

I am a deployed Sailor that is due to rotate home soon. I hate the feelings I have right now. My wife and I are not doing well. Being away for a year has apparently taxed anything good about our relationship. I can't seem to be able to speak with her without pushing her further away. I miss my children and it is extremely difficult to speak to them on the phone. They are still really young so their conversational skills aren't developed. Not to mention it is so heart breaking to hear there voices without feeling more distant. I started this blog to get some thoughts out or I am going to lose my fucking mind.
Just so you all know I will not bash my wife. However, I am at a stage of anger and I really feel like I will lash out on her here. But, I need to get it out somewhere right? It's better to vent it out here then take it out on her. In the last week My wife told me she doesn't want me to come home and I promoted to E-5. Talk about a bittersweet week. That would explain my url title. But it goes back further than that. I have always been a tormented person. I don't like to complain and I would like to consider myself a cold natured person. However, lately I am starting to question who I think I am anymore. When my mother wronged me for the last time, I decided to walk away and never talk to her again. 3 years later I was at her funeral. However, when it comes to my wife I want to push her away and not talk to her anymore. It is so much more difficult to do that. So I really wonder where is my head at. This deployment has really messed with my head. I can't seem to be lucid unless it comes work or I am drunk. That is another thing I drink in excess every night. I actually just stopped drinking because I will not go home an alcoholic. I refuse to be a stereotype. GOD what is wrong with me right now?