Message to 2010

Dear 2010,

Fuck you! I hate your stupid year. Not only did I work in Cuba during your time with much hatred and negativity all around me and consuming me like the deep vast abyss that goes with that job, then My wife leaves me for someone else and directly tears my family apart. I hate you with a passion 2010. I have never seen such a horrible year like you before and hope to God I do not have another year like you again. Now that Jessica is 15 weeks pregnant and my daughter is confused to who is her daddy now. I simply feel that I can curse you 2010. You just had it in for me from the beginning didn't you? I remember your first day I woke up with a terrible headache(of course that could have been self induced) but that is besides the point. So as the end of this horrible tenure of yours comes to a close I say good riddance and hope that your replacement is much more kind, fun and good to me. I will not miss you 2010. Nor will I have any kind memories of you. 2010, I hope you burn in hell with all the other evil years.

From the bottom of whats left of my heart,

Me

P.S.

You were a sucky ass movie too. I mean c'mon did you think you would measure up to 2001?

Dislike Water for chocolate

So, I have been doing a lot of driving since I returned home. In the last month I have traveled to my fathers which is 5 hours north (one way) then I have to go another hour and a half (one way) to pick my kids up for the weekend. Then I drove down to Indiana to visit my Aunt and Uncle. Oh yeah 3 hours (one way). Needless to say I have had a lot of time in my own head. It’s a scary place in there. I wonder about some things like who created YOO HOO? I mean what is up with that? Some dude ran out of milk and said oh well lets mix chocolate syrup with water. Then this genius thinks this actually tastes good enough to market…I mean have you ever tasted that stuff? Then you would expect the business man to throw him out of the office and call him a retard or something else colorful. But NOOO this guy looks at the inventor and says by god I think you have something here. I am only 33 years old and I am sure my parents generation remember YOO HOO. It has been around quite a while this shit has been around since 1926. Which tells me that it was created around the great depression. Not after the depression started either. So there really isn't any excuse for this vile substance. Okay, after the depression they had to make due I get that. But, why the hell is it still here? I remember hanging out at a convenience store in Chicago when I was kid this guy we all called Uncle George was related to my step father and we would go there so Gary (step Dad) would help him with the books. So to keep me busy they would give me YOO HOO and some candy and I could sit in the back watching Star Wars on WGN in the middle of the day on Sunday. Wow I can’t believe I remember all of that. Anyways I remember taking a drink and having a perplexed look on my face. Now I was around 5 or 6 or something so I am sure my thoughts were more innocent. But I can imagine based on my memory that my thoughts went kind of like this- What the fuck is this shit? Is that chocolate water? Where is the milk? Where is the bunny? This sucks. As you can guess I don’t partake in Crazy YOO HOO parties on weekends. So, since we are going through an economic crisis I think someone should create something as stupid as YOO HOO as an homage to a difficult time. I like the idea of a watered down tiramisu drink. We can call it TIRA MOO. So people think oh it’s got milk but HA HA the joke is on them.

Music Reflects Life

I could sit here and air out all my dirty laundry but anyone who knows me well knows what is going on in my life and they will attest to the shitty tough time that I have been faced with. But, alas music has been my friend through all these tough times. Also, there are songs that I refuse to listen to because of the same situation. My monster likes the upbeat top 40 songs. I can enjoy them as well. But there is this song called Ayo. I refuse to listen to one note of that song. She enjoys it so much and I do not want to think of her enjoying anything. I mean she is the monster after all. Would you want your boogey man under bed to enjoy rocking out to Springsteen? I don't think so.
I have found solace in Eminem, especially the song 25 to life. Usually when I feel angry because the monster in my life is determined to make my life a living hell. Then recently I have stumbled upon a band called Mumford and sons. These guys tell it like it is but with out all the anger. Anyone who understands the different stages of loss or grief can understand that the different styles of music can really reflect what you are feeling at a particular time. I never understood how people can mindlessly listen to whatever is on the radio. I almost wonder if they are even self aware enough. Anyways. It's still warm in hell and I am still deployed in it. So until the next time pick a song and really listen to it and may you find substance out of it. -MER-

P.S.
Anyone want to help me come up with a name for the monster? I am kind of leaning towards Bitchzilla but it's just not enough.

Communications surface ...then retreats

My wife and I finally email on Tuesday, it seemed like it was better than our conversation over the weekend. Or the lack of communication over the weekend. However, at the the end of the conversation she tells me that she still doesn't want to talk to me on the phone, it makes her feel cloudy? I reply that I don't understand. She of course doesn't respond to me. I leave her alone and do not email her back. I am waiting for a response and now here it is Thursday and I still haven't heard from her. She is supposed to see a counselor tonight. I am hoping that she can get some better perspective. It is hard being patient. It's even harder to hold in the anger that I feel is so prevalent with this situation. I also am extremely uncomfortable with the uncertainty of what is going to happen when I get home. Where am I going to live? Will my wife and children be there with me? Will I have a vehicle? Will my kids ever see me again? The really sad part is I can't even picture my wife's face anymore.

Grief is not friendly

I am a deployed Sailor that is due to rotate home soon. I hate the feelings I have right now. My wife and I are not doing well. Being away for a year has apparently taxed anything good about our relationship. I can't seem to be able to speak with her without pushing her further away. I miss my children and it is extremely difficult to speak to them on the phone. They are still really young so their conversational skills aren't developed. Not to mention it is so heart breaking to hear there voices without feeling more distant. I started this blog to get some thoughts out or I am going to lose my fucking mind.
Just so you all know I will not bash my wife. However, I am at a stage of anger and I really feel like I will lash out on her here. But, I need to get it out somewhere right? It's better to vent it out here then take it out on her. In the last week My wife told me she doesn't want me to come home and I promoted to E-5. Talk about a bittersweet week. That would explain my url title. But it goes back further than that. I have always been a tormented person. I don't like to complain and I would like to consider myself a cold natured person. However, lately I am starting to question who I think I am anymore. When my mother wronged me for the last time, I decided to walk away and never talk to her again. 3 years later I was at her funeral. However, when it comes to my wife I want to push her away and not talk to her anymore. It is so much more difficult to do that. So I really wonder where is my head at. This deployment has really messed with my head. I can't seem to be lucid unless it comes work or I am drunk. That is another thing I drink in excess every night. I actually just stopped drinking because I will not go home an alcoholic. I refuse to be a stereotype. GOD what is wrong with me right now?